Give it Your 1%

When you really hurt you don’t care much about the fun you’re missing out on. You don’t care about going out for a drink, or making plans, or really anything, because all of your attention is focused on getting through the next moment and trying to curb the pain. All-consuming pain makes everything else feel so trivial.

For the last few years I’ve been living with unescapable pain. Damage to my nervous system has made it impossible to get through a single day without shockwaves running up my spine. It causes pain to eat, exercise, lift something, or do anything at all really. It hurts just being alive. Because of a rare condition with mast cell disease, I can’t take medicine for the pain and am left with no choice but to just wait for my body to slowly heal on its own. The waiting is almost as exhausting as the pain.

Immobilizing pain makes you wish you could sometimes hit the pause button on life in order to give yourself time to heal. Pause so that you don’t have to go about life as someone other than your true self. Because chronic pain robs you of your true self, at least on the surface, and you worry that the incomplete you is a drag on the people around you. If life could just stop for a minute and allow you to regain your strength, you know you could do so much more. Be so much more.

But of course life can’t just stop. It moves on at breakneck speed, making your kids grow up and turning your hair gray. It’s got work to do, bills to pay and trips to take. It’s got kids’ sports games to go to and holidays to share. It’s got responsibilities and people to love. It doesn’t wait for you to heal, and unless you’re going to crawl into a hole and give up, you need to find a way to start living again with the pain.

There’s a lot said about “giving it your all.” Motivational speakers love to talk about giving each day 100%. Strike that, 110%. But if you’re battling crippling pain, or worse, there are days when you feel like you don’t even have 1% to give. But you do, you know why? Because if you were at 0% you’d be dead.

So you’re at 1%. That’s a start. One is better than none. For your friends and family who truly love you, your one percent means a lot. Sure, you want them to remember the 100% you, but the 1% you can make an impact as well. Maybe even more so. The 1% you might actually be the true you, showing who you are you when the chips are down. Give it your 1% and see where that takes you.

Originally published at https://wanderingmattlarson.com on April 21, 2021.