I Want a Vacation From Vacation
I can’t look at a calendar anymore. It doesn’t do me any good because all it shows is how little time I have to myself. So I leave the calendar management to my wife. She’s a calendar wizard whereas I’m a “tell me what’s happening tomorrow when tomorrow happens” kind of guy. I think it may be some sort of self-defense mechanism, because I’m pretty sure my health can only handle the stress of getting through the moment. After this past year of covid and remote life, whenever I’m asked how I’m going to deal with tomorrow, I feel a little like Jim Mora being asked how the Colts are going to handle the playoffs. Playoffs? Don’t talk about playoffs. You kidding me? Playoffs? I just hope we can win a game!
My refusal to dial into the calendar frequently gives me some nasty surprises. Like yesterday, when Liz (my wife) informed me that two of the kids have vacation next week. Vacation? Vacation from what? I knew she couldn’t be talking about another school vacation because they literally just had one the week before. Didn’t they? Oh right, that was the other kids. Say, how many people do we have living here anyway?
What do these kids need another vacation from? Recess football? Art time? From what they tell me, they spend most of their days watching movies in class and videos on their friends’ phones during recess. Sounds pretty cushy. Now they’re going to be sent home for more happy fun time? We just got them out of here and they are already coming back? As I sat and processed that the first few days of freedom I’ve had in a year were coming to an end, I was vaguely aware of Liz asking me what we should do with them. My mouth opened with the intention of replying, but the words couldn’t come out. I was rendered speechless.
Why does it feel like the only real job parents have anymore is not what they do for money, but figuring out how they are going to keep their kids occupied? What happened to that whole “free-range” kid theory? That sounded pretty good to me. Let’s try that out next week. It was impossible to implement during remote learning because the kids needed a computer, but now? It’s worth dusting this theory off again and I think I’m finally ready for the fight.
Over the past year, anytime I tried to get the kids to unplug it was brutal. I’d be trying to work and they would constantly badger me with reasons why they needed to be on the computer or a device. The “I need to check something for school” excuse was a good one. Amazing how whatever they needed to check took two seconds but required several hours of screen time. “I have homework I forgot to do” was another party line, and what a surprise, when I checked on them hours later it turned out the homework wasn’t due at all! It’s a miracle Dad! But the most sinister excuse, directly aimed at pulling on all of my heart strings, was “I miss my friends and just want to talk to them.” Okay, okay. I get it. But fifteen minutes later I’d find them playing video games and watching TikTok!
But now the gig is up kids! I’m onto you guys. This whole year had us parents feeling like fish out of water, but now I’m experienced. I’ve been through the trenches. When you come home today for another fully paid vacation, I’m unplugging the computers and putting all of the devices where no one can find them. It’s going to be a device free week. It’s going to be glorious! Glorious I tell you! GLORIOUS!!
Sorry, you had a question? Me? What about me? No, no, no — the device free rule applies to you guys only, not me. I need my phone to help pay for your vacation. You guys just go ahead and roam around the backyard here, screenless, like your ancestors before you. Either that or I can give you a garden hoe and you can start learning how to farm. Doesn’t that sound like fun? Want to try? No? Ok, well after four thousand consecutive days of this exhaustive vacation schedule you guys maintain, I’m fresh out of ideas. All I know is, I’m going back to work! Yipee!
Originally published at https://wanderingmattlarson.com on April 23, 2021.
