The Last Rotisserie Chicken on Earth
When I’m not eating ice cream, the one other food that has served me well during this prolonged battle with nerve pain, has been the rotisserie chicken. God bless the rotisserie chicken. And it can’t just be any rotisserie chicken either — it has to be an unseasoned, totally plain one from Hannaford’s, and eaten as soon as possible after it is cooked. I’ve tried Shaw’s, Market Basket, Price Chopper — they all hurt like hell. Too much pepper and seasoning. Any other type but Hannaford’s feels like someone is dragging razor blades down my esophagus. Yes, it’s been a trying time. And yes, I know. I’m weird.
Anyway, I knew I hit rock bottom when one day, desperate to get some food in me to calm another side-splitting nerve attack, I sped to the grocery store for the one healthy thing in the world I could eat without a problem. Dodging zombies with shopping carts like it was a game of Frogger, I sprinted and shimmied my way to the hot chix section. Only two were left and standing in front of them was a lady boxing out the entire counter with her two Labrador retrievers. Don’t know why she needed the escort, but okay.
A quick scan revealed the coast was clear. All she had to do was grab her chicken, move out of the way, and that last bird was mine. Okay lady, grab yours and let me in. But to my horror, she reached over and grabbed both of the remaining chickens. Are you kidding me? Both? I must have let out an audible groan because she turned and looked at me. “Did you want one of these?” she sweetly asked. Ok here’s my chance. “Yes I do! Thank you,” I replied. Adding the thank you seemed like a good way to discontinue the negotiations. I threw in a little eye begging too. Please God, please God, please God.
“Okay, here’s one. I was just going to give them to my dogs anyways.” Yes! “Thank you so much.” Yes, yes, yes. There is a God, there is a God, there is a — wait, did she just say her dogs? So that’s where I’m at, eh God? Down here with the dogs? Talk about kicking a man while he’s down. Standing in the deli section, clutching the last rotisserie chicken on earth, I conceded that God had a point though. I mean, I was begging a strange woman with my eyes for her chicken, which is something a dog would do. This struck me funny and I let out a laugh. My benefactor eyed me, then realized she had to get something at the other side of the store, and fast.
When you’re battling chronic pain, it’s pretty hard to laugh sometimes, but it’s so important to do so. The only thing that has kept me sane these past few years is mine, and my family’s ability, to laugh at the ridiculousness of my situation. Who ever heard of a person not being able to eat without pain for over three and a half years? That’s totally absurd and not even remotely believable. And we’re not talking acid reflux pain. We’re talking stick-your-finger-in-an-electric-outlet pain. Pain that makes my fingers twitch involuntarily and causes muscles to spasm across my whole back. I don’t even believe something like that could happen to someone and I’ve been living it. What a goofy story. Stop pulling my leg.
But we need to laugh. Well, I do at least. And while my situation may be unique, there is nothing unique about falling on hard times. Everyone goes through them. Some hard times are worse than others, but everyone could benefit from finding the humor in everything. Hopefully we don’t all have to go through some real trauma to find the ability, but truly, some of the hardest laughers I know are people facing some of life’s most serious health issues. Whenever I find myself losing the ability to laugh, I think of them and my strength is restored.
At some point in your life, if you haven’t already, you’re going to meet someone like this. Someone who seems undefeatable despite the odds stacked against them. Chances are good, you already have, and I bet you’ve wondered how they could possibly keep laughing given what they’re facing. I also bet that if you press them to explain their good humor, they will shrug their shoulders and say “what else can you do?” Then they’ll smile. And maybe even laugh. Is there any other sound that reflects the power of human willpower, better than that beautiful laugh?
Originally published at https://wanderingmattlarson.com on April 25, 2021.
